Remembering
by WiseGirl
Summary: Remus Lupin's body shook, preparing for the transformation. It would be… painful, to say the least. Made even worse by the traumatic events of the last few days... RemusxSirius SLASH


**A oneshot based a few days after Lily and James are killed and Peter is 'killed' by Sirius. Remus transforms…**

**Disclaimer: The characters belong to JK Rowling. The rest is mine, I guess :D  
_**

Remus Lupin slowly removed his clothes, placing them on a hard to reach shelf, out of the way of werewolf claws. His body shook, preparing for the transformation_. _It would be… painful, to say the least. Made even worse by the traumatic events of the last few days.

Lily and James, gone. He still could not believe it. _Would _not believe it. Because if Voldemort had found them, then that would mean that Sirius, _his Sirius, _had betrayed them both. The Sirius that Remus knew wouldn't have done such a thing.

And yet, he had.

_The Sirius that Remus knew. _As if he knew him at all. His Sirius had been a fantasy, created by wishful thinking and love. The real Sirius had killed James and Lily Potter. And then, for good measure, had finished off Peter, as well as a dozen nameless, faceless muggles.

Sirius deserved to rot in Azkaban for what he did. Remus knew that to be true, but… he didn't want it to be true. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding, an elaborate hoax, a typical marauder prank, and they would all jump out and yell 'Surprise!'.

Maybe they would.

But Remus doubted it.

He absentmindedly picked up his wand from its safe place and twirled it between his fingers. It was a nervous habit that he had picked up from Sirius, and it used to drive James mad.

Used to. Not anymore.

Remus' chest flared up with pain, so bad that he thought – for an alarming few seconds – that his transformation had begun early. But no, the pain was caused by the thought of his best friends, when they were happy and joking – only kids, really.

But now… all of them dead. All of them. Well, not Sirius technically, but he may as well be. In fact, Remus would almost have preferred it if he had been killed too. That way, he wouldn't have to live with knowing that Sirius had betrayed them – James, Lily, Harry, Peter, _Remus…_

At the same time, Remus knew that if Sirius had died, he would be experiencing no pain, no loss, and no sadness. Mostly because he would have already committed suicide. As it was, though, he was stuck here, unable to take the coward's way out while Sirius, _his Sirius, _was stuck in a cell in Azkaban.

Maybe if Remus had been able to take the boy, James and Lily's boy, it would be okay. But no, werewolves aren't allowed to adopt. Even if the alternative is the child being sent to a fun-hating, grouchy, close-minded, nosy, bossy, lazy, _spoilt_ family. The official reason was that Remus may transform near the child and harm him, but that wasn't the only one. The wizarding world still had many prejudices against anyone different; vampires, werewolves, _Blacks… _

_You and me against the world, mate, _Sirius used to say. And the young Remus had nodded at his idol, just happy to be included.

Remus fell to his knees, burying his head in his hands and groaning. He hadn't cried yet, and nor did he plan to. He had cried far too many tears over Sirius already, and mostly with good reason. Although sometimes he would just cry with the sheer frustration of being so close to him, and yet so far away.

Memories washed over Remus like a tidal wave.

_First day of Hogwarts. A small, scarred little boy sits by himself, feeling distinctly unlike the Gryffindor he had just been chosen as. He stares around the table, his gaze coming to rest on a tall boy with hair as black as night, and eyes grey as a storm. Storm-eyes looks back at the other boy. He winks…_

'No… no…' Remus muttered. But it was too late. The memories he had been trying to block out for the past few days come flooding back.

_Storm-eyes walks up to the young Remus, grinning. 'Hey, Remus! I was wondering… D'you want to be in our gang?' he asks, gesturing over to a tall gangly boy with glasses and a small squat watery eyed one, both beaming widely. Storm-eyes smiles even more at Remus' bewildered expression. 'It's alright, I know you're shy. It's okay though. I don't mind. I'm Sirius, by the way.' And taking his hand, he leads Remus to his 'gang'. _

Sirius. It had been nice to put a name to the face. Although Remus had taken to calling Sirius Storm-eyes sometimes. Remus suddenly groaned again as he recognised a familiar memory trickling into his head, like sand falling through his hands. And, like the sand, there was nothing he could do to stop it.

'_Hey, Remus!' Sirius jogs up to his friend of 5 years, and Remus' face lights up with happiness. How long had he been in love with him now? Surely since he first laid eyes on him, although he hadn't understood his feelings then. He had just known he was drawn to him, like metal to a magnet, like a moth to a flame, like an idiot to an early grave… 'Hey, Sirius.' Remus replies, slightly wearily, for he knows just what's coming. Sirius has his 'Will-you-please-give-me-advice-on-what-a-girl-wants-because-I-know-you're-not-a-female-but-you're-very-sensitive-and-no-I-don't-mean-you're-girly' face on, which only meant one thing – girl advice. And sure enough: 'Remus? There's this… person. I like them. A lot. I don't think they like me in that way, though. How do I ask them out?' With a sigh, Remus snaps 'Oh, I don't know, just molest them in the corridors like you usually do! That seems to work.' Sirius frowns. 'Are you sure?' he asks uncertainly. 'Yeah, whatever.' Remus answers, and barely hears Sirius's 'Well, if you say so…' because he suddenly finds himself slammed against the old stone brick wall and being snogged to within an inch of his life. What's weirder is, it's _Sirius _doing the snogging_.

The memories were coming thick and fast now, faster and faster, in short bursts.

_Sirius smiling…_

_Sirius laughing…_

_Sirius hugging him…_

_Sirius ruffling his hair…_

_Sirius… _

_Sirius… _

_Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius Sirius…_

Remus groaned once more, for he knew what was next, and he didn't want to relive it. Not so soon afterwards. Not ever.

_Remus frowns at the old man standing at the door. Dumbledore hasn't spontaneously been to see him for years, so this must be something important. 'Yes, Albus?' Remus says, raising his eyebrows. 'Remus, I'm going to go straight to the point. James and Lily have been killed by Lord Voldemort.' Remus falls to his knees. 'What?' he whispers. Dumbledore's piercing gaze meet Remus's hopeless one. 'Sirius betrayed them. This is all I know at the moment. I am sorry – so, so sorry, Remus. If there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to-' Remus harshly interrupts. 'What about the boy?' 'The boy is alive, safe and well. He has defeated Voldemort, Remus. The child… he's a hero. Voldemort is gone.' There is a note of badly disguised glee in his voice, and Remus raises his gaze to Dumbledore's face, his amber eyes hard. 'Voldemort may be gone, Albus, but so are James and Lily.'_

And now it was now, or maybe it was then, Remus didn't know. Maybe this was just another memory, a terrible dream, one that he would eventually wake up from. But for now, he was stuck in this time, this place, and he was _trapped, _and then the _moon _comes_, moon _turns Remus into _Moony. _And there was_painpainPAIN, _but then it was fine, but he was _Moony, _and he was _trapped._

Where was _pack? _Where _Moony pack? _And what about _mate? Padfoot Moony_ _mate. Moony _needed _pack, _they help stop the need for _blood, _and he could smell it, he could smell _humanfrailBLOODBLOODBLOOD, _but it was just _Remus, _the _Moony _that wasn't _Moony. _And _Moony _could smell him still, in the room, and he was _theretheretherethere _but he wasn't really, and where was _PACK? _

Where was the _prey, _the _prey _that wasn't _prey, _who had tree arms on its head? _PRONGS! _Where was _Prongs? _But _Prongs _was gone, _Prongs _had been hunted by the bad _pack _leader, and _Moony _howlhowlhowl, but _Padfoot _said not to, but _Padfoot _ wasn't there. But where was the runt? Too small, too fast, too _squeaksqueakSQUEAK _for Moony to miss him really, but he was _pack _also, and he needed _pack. _Runt was _Wormtail, _and _Wormtail _had been hunted, but by _Padfoot. Padfoot_ betray _pack, _and _ Moony _howlhowlhowl_. _And _Padfoot _was gone, _Padfoot _was _trapped _as well, but away from _Moony, _and _Moony _howlhowlHOWL until his throat bled.  
_

**In case you didn't guess, the weird bit at the end is when Remus transforms, and his mind is taken over by 'Moony', his werewolf alter ego. Just in case you didn't guess, ahah**

**Please please please please please review! It means soooo much to me :D:D:D **

**Love and unicorns,  
WiseGirl xx**


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